Yesterday we lost one of our own. Gregg Rudloff took his life. Very little is known, at this time, about the circumstances surrounding this tragic loss.

How does a guy with a smile like that ...forget he has one?

I knew Gregg quite well. We had been friends for 35 years. We kind of grew up together in the film business. Not so close that we hung out together daily, but always feeling we were part of each others inner circle; working together frequently and all the camaraderie and bonding that comes with it.

Sometimes we make friends because we just like someone and feel like we know them, inside and out. We don’t have to be together all the time to know that, when we reconnect, nothing has changed. We love each other just as much as the day we met. Gregg and I were like that. Picking up where we left off even if it had been years. Our business is like that, isn’t it? We form these intense bonds forged from the ardor and adversity that comes with making a film. We share intimate moments and then disappear from each others lives. And therein lies the problem and the inevitable guilt we all feel. Could I have been a better friend. Why didn't' I call? Why didn't I know? Did I miss the signs? Monday morning quarterbacking at it's worst.

Suicide doesn’t makes sense to me. I can’t imagine that life can get so bad for anyone that there was no other option other than it.  I know that’s as much a naive reflection of my own insulation from the rigors of life that most people endure, as it is an expression of my disbelief that it’s an answer. And I’m mad… and angry. Why do this? I feel like Gregg did this to me. He took himself away from me and all the joys we'd continue to share together...without consulting me. Its a terribly selfish of act..or, unknown to us, one of supreme self compassion. We don't know. Why didn’t he call. Why didn’t he reach out?

Guilt consumes me as it probably does all of us. Could I have done something? Didn’t he know we were all here for him for just these kinds of moments? I suppose it’s easy to bath in the warm glow of compassion…after the fact, as we do in these situations but where were we the day before yesterday? Anybody thinking or worrying about Gregg, or anyone else in our community?

Greggs decision, sadly and oddly, fits the oft-heard trope “the last guy you would ever expect to do this”. My wife says that it’s the noisy ones, the ones that tell everyone their going to do it that never do. It’s the quiet beforehand.

Gregg was wildly successful in his career. Three Oscars and many other nominations. Worked at all the major studios and always with glowing reviews. He was healthy. He was a runner and a walker. He ate like a monk and watched everything he consumed. He was a perfectionist in everything he did. Work was single-minded exercise in getting it right. He was always happy and joking. He cared about people. He listened. He argued brilliantly...not to win but to engage for the purpose of finding truth. He loved to joke. Gregg was the only person who could tell me “I know it’s good to see me but I’m not so sure about you!”. He made me smile. Gregg would, invariably, greet me with a kiss (on the cheek) whenever we saw each other. We differed on a lots of things but always maintained a beautiful respect for each others positions and point of view. Unlike todays political or social climate, ours was one of mutual respect that saw the value in rigorous debate and an inevitable compromise as success in our relationship.

Gregg is inextricably tied to me in many ways but the highlight is surely winning an Oscar together for MAD MAX FURY ROAD. We spent months by each others side on the awards “circuit” hoping and ruing, laughing and crying as we savored the real reward, that of working together making MMFR for 9 months. Those are the memories, sitting at the console and complaining about the nights, the food, the bad choices, the good choices. And then there was his laugh. Gregg never ended a conversation without finding the mirth in a predicament and chuckling. How in Gods name did I, as a card carrying member of the sound community, not ever record it?

I don’t know if this was the ultimate selfish act or the only humane choice that could  reconcile an interminable internal grief none of us knew about. We don’t know and are left with only each other to share in the grief. And we will.

While we’re all still here, lets make an agreement, collectively, to do something positive as a consequence of this tragedy. Perhaps a small legacy that Gregg can leave behind. Let’s agree to be more compassionate. Lets agree to talk more often. And lets agree, lets promise to each other, in whatever circles you can define as your inner ones, to reach out to one another before any of us contemplates such a tragic answer to our problems.

I miss you Gregg.